On (not) caring

In the past couple of days, I’ve asked two people the same question: When I act like I don’t care, do you believe it? Consider it market research. It’s a loaded question. One didn’t answer at all, and the other answered in a perfectly acceptable way: “Nope, but I let it slide.” Good answer.

There’s very little I don’t care about, except maybe which hoodie I wear to work … or that only my pinky nails are painted, and different colors at that. I also don’t care that my house is a mess or that the guy I share an office with has to listen to me eat a bowl of dry, generic Blueberry Almond Crisp every morning. (Okay, I do care about that a little bit. But in my defense, I have to listen to him eat bran flakes.)

For the most part, I care about what my friends care about. I want them to be happy. Sometimes that means trying really hard to act like I don't care. I know everyone’s got to find their own way and I shouldn’t be so protective. Most of the time, when I act like I don’t care, I do. A lot. And, for the most part, they know and I know and everyone knows exactly what I'm doing. And they let it slide anyway.

I probably could come right out and say what’s bugging me because it wouldn’t make any difference – that’s generally what happens when friends have stubborn streaks a mile wide. It’s been established nobody can convince me of anything for which I don’t want to be convinced, but sometimes I really, really want to be convinced.

I want things to turn out okay, especially when I have no say. Instead, I've gotta put on my game face and trust that when it's time, I won't be let down.

Gosh, I hope the Blueberry Almond Crisp thing doesn’t get on my officemate’s nerves. Hmm.

P.S. I've been told my Twitter updates are vague and cryptic. You mean like this post? Eh, don't walk into this with any expectations and you won't be disappointed. Twice a month or so, I allow myself some introspection. Consider this one of those times. <3

[Edit: I asked Paul the same question this morning, and his response: "Not at all. People know you worry about everything, so chances are that when you're acting like you're not worried, you are worried. Or, like, if I ask what you want for dinner and you say you don't care, I know you really do care." (I like how worrying and picking a place to eat dinner are exactly the same.) I asked him why he never calls me on it, and he said, "Because if I did, you'd get huffy." Huffy, huh? I'll show him huffy.]