Finally over?

Thursday is my six-month checkup with the oncologist. Six months – I can’t believe it. I would’ve completely forgotten about the appointment had I not plugged it into my Smartphone. Man, time really flies.

It actually makes me want to cry a little because I think I’m finally through with all this. Barring unforeseen circumstances, this will be my last(!!!) appointment at the cancer clinic in Memphis, and it’s one of the few things I want to leave behind when I “start over” in July. No more clinics. No more bloodwork. No more holding my breath, waiting for results.

No more … anything. I’m leaving all those memories – and files! – here.

Maybe I’ve mentioned this, but a couple of months after my last UT Cancer appointment in September, I got word back from my OB/GYN that they needed to run a biopsy on a spot in my cervix. Not even three months had passed, and I had another doctor calmly telling me to lie back, this won’t hurt a bit. (Truth: It does hurt, and quite a bit at that.)

A couple of weeks ago, the last of the cervical tests came back clean. I have a recheck of those tests sometime next month but I don’t remember when because I didn’t put that appointment in my phone. >_<

I wasn’t going to tell Paul about Thursday’s appointment – actually, I won’t tell Paul about the appointment, but he’s a smart guy and he reads my blog, so he’s going to find out about it anyway. And I’m certainly not going to tell my parents. They just don’t need to know because they’ll worry. I was pretty upset about the cervical stuff, which made them pretty upset. Apparently it’s a parent thing; I wouldn’t understand.

Anyway, I’m not sure Paul needs to go to the appointment this time. I walked into this situation alone, on a dozen antibiotics with what seemed like a bad infection. Since then, he’s been there every step of the way: the countless needles, the ongoing anemia, the bone marrow – oh, how he made me laugh in the OR! – the CTs, the bad news, the good news. All of it. And I wouldn’t take back a single moment; having him there has been so important to me. But it’s a symbolic thing. When this started, I wasn’t scared because cancer wasn’t on my radar. So I walked into this fearing nothing, and now I’m going to walk out of it fearing nothing. And I mean that.

A lot of things have changed in my life since September 2006. (I wear contacts! I bought a hybrid! I found my stash of hoodies!) Priorities have changed. My day-to-day mood changes more often than my hair color, but my overall outlook is happier. In order for that to happen, I’ve had to commit to giving up old habits and ways of thinking, and that’s an ongoing thing. And I’m ready to give this up. I can’t wait ‘til Thursday.