Good(?) Monday morning

I'm sure Paul thinks I have a screw loose after I called him this morning. It's just ... the lab, the schedule, everything that goes with it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to last another 18 months. I've been struggling more than I let on here. But that's a post for another time.

Anyway, I knew Paul was supposed to be home around 6 a.m. to shower and drop off a couple of prescriptions from the pharmacy. (These 24 hour-plus days are killer.) I dragged my butt out of bed at 6:15 a.m. and walked into the living room. Well, hells yeah! Paul was home! The lights were on and there were two Walgreens bags on the couch -- PopTarts, shampoo, the prescriptions.

So where was Paul? I wandered the house for a couple of minutes. He wasn't in the guest bathroom or the shower. Maybe he'd gone upstairs to the office to check his e-mail ... or not. Maybe he was getting something out of the car ...

I peeked out the kitchen window into the garage and his car wasn't there. He'd come home, dropped off the stuff, and left again? No way. I called his cell phone and he answered, "What's up?" That meant other people were around. And, in spite of that, I lost it. I cried so much I don't think I was making sense.

It was just such a lonely way to start my morning. I'd been dreaming about driving to Jacksonville, so when I woke up and I wasn't there and Paul wasn't here, I felt so so so alone. I keep telling him -- and myself -- that I'm strong and we're strong and if anyone can get through grad school stress, we can. But moments like this morning make me feel so fragile!

I've got to get my head together. It's not even 7 a.m., and already today is shaping up to be a stellar Monday (wince, sigh).