Some people don't talk no good

Book recommendations: Anguished English and More Anguished English by Richard Lederer.

I've been dining alone while Paul's out of town, so More Anguished English entertained me over turkey and dressing at the restaurant last night. I tried my best to stifle my giggles ... but I still got a few stares from the people sitting near me.

Lederer got his info from real-life Grammar Police (e.g. court reporters, folks who read college admissions essays, etc.). That the stories are true makes them even funnier — for editors and non-editors alike.

Also, the books serve as proof that no matter how many English rules I break when blogging, my writing doesn't suck too bad in the grand scheme of things. So there.

Here's my favorite entry so far, an essay written by a New Zealand pupil:

Birds and Beasts

The bird I am going to write about is the Owl. The owl cannot see at all in the day and is blind as a bat at night. I do not know much about the owl so I will go on to the Beast which I am going to choose.

It is the Cow. The Cow is a mammal and it is tame. It has six sides: right, left, fore, back, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail in which is hanging a bush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall in the milk. The head is for the purpose of growing horns and so the mouth can be somewhere. They are to butt with. The mouth is to moo with.

Under the cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When the people milk the cow the milk comes and there is never any end to the supply. How the cow does it I have not learned but it makes more and more.

The man cow is called the ox. It is not a mammal. The cow does not eat much but what it eats it eats twice, so it gets enough. When it is hungry it moos and when it doesn't say anything it is because its insides is full of grass.

The cow has a fine sense of smell and you can smell it far away. That is the reason for the fresh air in the country.

Teachers, your near-infinite patience amazes me. :)